What They Should Have Done
by Bunny Hooded Bombchu
Summary: Completed, finally! Who loves ya! Fifty alternate ways to get rid of the ring or kill Sauron. Expect much randomness and stupidity.
1. Chapter 1

BHB: Um...Intros can be in script, right? I'm not entirely sure... Well, this is the reformatted version of What They Should Have Done, in all its not-script glory. I've added more stuff, less spelling mistakes, and it won't be taken off this time! YAY! It's NOT in script. NOT. In. Script. Ya see this administrators? NOT SCRIPT! HA! You have struck down my baby once, BUT NOT ANYMORE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...Ha...ha. Ho. Enjoy the fic.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

One day, Frodo went over to the evil citadel of the evil Sackville Baggins to give them a pie. And so he walked up to the door. And knocked. Just what any visitor would do if they went up to there neighbors Citadel of Doom with a peace offering/gift of pie. And so the Evil Sackville Baggins answered the door. ...You see how annoying this is if it's not in script?

"Hullo Evil Sackville Baggins. I've baked you a pie." said Frodo, holding up the pie.

"Why, thank you!" said the Evil Sackville Baggins. "But remember...SOON, I SHALL RULE BAG END! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Uh...sure." said Frodo. Then he ran away. Good for him.

LATER...

"So...What did you do with the ring?" said Gandalf one other random day.

"A baked the thing in a pie. Ringwraithes don't eat. ...I think." said Frodo, thinking about how much better this fic would be if it were in script. (I'm not letting this go.)

"Let us hope no one eats it." said Gandalf, reading Frodo's thoughts and mentally agreeing with him.

"Too late..."

"Say what?"

"Nothing..."

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

Frodo was digging a hole. Gandalf, tired after a long day of protesting outside the administrators office, walked up and watched for a while.

"Whatcha doin?"

"Digging," said Frodo, trying to unearth a rock that was in the way.

"Why?"

Frodo shook his head sadly at Gandalfs ignorance. "To reach the center of the earth, stupid. So I can throw the ring in!"

"That's the dumbest idea I've ever-" Before Gandalf could finish his sentence, a huge column of flame rose up from the hole, burning Frodo, and the ring, to a spontaneously unfortunate and joyful death.

"Well..." said Gandalf in the awkward silence that followed, "that was random." Then he walked off in the direction of the nearest field of flowers to frolic among the blooms.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

Frodo was standing on a podium, giving a speech to his fellow Hobbits. "WE SHALL BAND TOGETHER, TO BUILD THE BIGGEST GOLDEN CHAINMAIL CURTAIN MIDDLE EARTH HAS EVER SEEN!"

And the hobbits were all, "YAAAY!

"NOW GO, MY HOBBITS!" yelled Frodo.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" yelled all the hobbits as they left to start working.

"What's the point of this again?" asked Gandalf.

"One of those links is the ring! And from what I planned, millions of identical rings will be used!" explained Frodo.

"But the Ringwrathes will sense its power, then come to the Shire, and even if they don't find the ring, they'll kill everyone!" yelled Gandalf, amazed at Frodos stupidity.

"That's where your wrong."

"How so?"

"We're sending it as a gift to Rohan."

"...Works for me."

* * *

ONE EASIER WAY TO DESTROY THE RING 

Frodo and Sam are flying on the backs of eagles. They fly over Mt. Doom.

"DROP IT, MR. FRODO!" yells Sam.

"OK!" yells Frodo dropping it into Mt. Doom making it explode and stuff.

"LETS GO BACK TO THE SHIRE!" yells Frodo.

"WHY ARE WE YELLING!"

"I DUNNO. BUT IT'S FUN!"

"RIIIGHT..."

* * *

ONE WAY TO KILL SAURON 

All the major characters of LotR are in Mordor, in front of Saurons tower.

"I SUMMON FROM THE DEEPS...THE BUCKET!" yelled Gandalf.

A giant bucket appeared in midair, above Saurons eye. Then it tipped over, and the contents spilled out all over Sauron. It was full of PEPPER SPRAY!

And so Saurons eye thingy started yelling and stuff. "AHHHH! I'M MELTING, MELTING! OH GOD, IT HURTS, OH, OH NO! IT BURNS!"

And then everyone's all like, "YAAAAAAAAAAY"

* * *

BHB: There are fifty of these little drabbles in total. 45 to go...this is not easy...First I have to change the dialogue, then the tenses, and generally make this better...and the spellcheck...I just hope that I'll get as many good reviews as I did last time I wrote this. I got like...40 or something last time. (reminices sadly) 


	2. Chapter 2

Ok...Sorry that this update took so long. But I just found out that people actually had this on story alert. People actually CARE! I didn't see that coming! So I decided to hurry up with the second chapter.

One quick note: I replaced one of the themes, because no one knows what I'm talking about. The original theme is that Frodo e-mails the ring to Ivalice from Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, where it is found by Mewt and Ivalice is doomed.

The change is for the best, I think.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

One fine day, Gandalf randomly jumped out of the shadows and whispered, "Is it secret? Is it safe?"

Frodo grinned. "Safer then it has ever been!" He held up a small block of metal. "It's within this brick of mythril!"

And Gandalf was all, "Great! ...What are you gonna do with it?"

Frodo smiled triumphantly. "BUILD A HOUSE!"

Gandalf thought for a moment and shrugged. "...Meh. Works for me."

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

One other fine day, Gandalf randomly jumped out of the shadows and whispered, "Is it secret? Is it safe?"

"Safer then ever!" said Frodo, holding up a plank of wood. "It's within this plank of wood!"

Gandalf stared at him. "Wait, how'd you get it in there? ...Nevermind, I don't want to know. So, what are you gonna do with it?"

Frodo smiled triumphantly. "BUILD A BRIDGE!"

Gandalf thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Meh. Works for me."

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

Frodo and Gandalf were walking around in the middle of Hobbiton. Hobbits went about their business, doing hobbity stuff. Suddenly, a Ringwraithe flew down randomly and approached Frodo. "Give up the ring, flesh-bag! Or prepare to DIE!" The Ringwraithe yelled/whispered, drawing his sword.

"Ok." said Frodo, tossing the ring to him.

Needless to say, the Ringwraithe was surprised. "Wait, WHAT? You sure?"

Frodo shrugged. "Yeah."

The Ringwraithe scratched the back of his head. "Oh. Ok then...thanks, I think..."

"Whatever." said Frodo.

_'...Awkward...' "_Um...ok. I'll just uh...be going now...

"Great. You do that."

He flies off awkwardly, and the instant he does, Hobbiton becomes a burning mass of chaos. Amid all the screaming little hobbits, Frodo and Gandalf stood there. Gandalf finally decided to react to this turn of events.

"FRODO YOU MORON! WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?"

"I gave him the ring. The point of these stupid little alternate endings is to get rid of the ring, right? Well, we don't have it anymore, so it counts!" explained Frodo.

Gandalf thought for a second. "...I never thought of it that way...Oh well, if it'll get the author off my back..."

"Now let's go to the Green Dragon and drink ourselves red in the face!"

"YEAH!"

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

((Courtesy of Leaviel. I do not own this idea. And if I did, I'd be more insane.))

Frodo and Sam, weakened and hungry, were slowly making their way up the rocky side of a mountain. Sound familiar? Yes. It should. It's in Return of the King.

Frodo groaned. "Sam..." he said, panting heavily. "Are we there yet?"

"Yes." said Sam.

Frodos eyes lit up. "Really?"

"No." said Sam.

"Oh."

Ok, Sam's no fun.

Sam was confused. "What?"

Sorry Sam, you're gonna have to go.

"Wait, no! You can't get rid of me!" yelled Sam.

Yes I can. Watch me.

And suddenly, Sam exploded.

Frodo wiped Sam guts from his face. "Ew..."

Go on, Frodo. Stay gold, little hobbit! STAY GOLD!

"Why won't the voices in my head stop talking!" yelled Frodo.

Um...yes, I am a voice in your head. I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!

"AH! No! I need my soul to live and stuff!" yelled Frodo, standing up and running up the side of the mountain to get away from the narrator. Which didn't quite work, but who cares? It got him to the top quicker.

And on the top of the mountain was a toilet!

"What?"

The toilet of DOOM! It leads to the fires of Mount Doom. I just put it on top of a mountain in the Mount Doom area so I can have an excuse to make Sam explode.

"Ok..."

((And a Lord of the Rings fic idea by Leaviel wouldn't be complete without...))

"Flush the ring, Frodo!" yelled Merry, who happened to be there.

"Woah, Merry, what are you doing here?" asked Frodo.

"Filling in for Sam. Now throw in the ring!"

Frodo looked from the ring, to the toilet, and back to the ring. He smiled evily. "But what if I don't want to?"

"Oh for crying out loud!" Merry marched over to Frodo, grabbed the ring, and flushed it. "THERE!"

"Um...I was gonna do that eventually..." muttered Frodo.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

Frodo was standing next to a copy machine that was copying lots of bookmarks. Like those ones you get at bookstores with the little ring on the tassel. They used to have those, but now they're kind of scarce. Oh well!

"What are you doing?" asked Gandalf.

"Creating lots of bookmarks that I'll sell. Each one will have a ring on it, and when these become popular, Sauron won't know where to look." said Frodo.

"That's stupid." said Gandalf.

"Not if there are pictures of Legolas on them. The fangirls will buy them."

In the background, several fangirls had their faces pressed against the windows of Frodos house, watching his every move.

"That can actually work...Huh. Odd." said a bemused Gandalf.

TO BE CONTINUED

Review!


	3. Chapter 3

Whew...took a while, didn't it? Sorry, I've been busy sitting around searching for Laruku PVs on the internet and going to Europe. Wait, that's a bad excuse. Uh...I was...promoting world peace. Yes. Exactly. Sorry about the wait! I was hoping to get at least one chapter done over the summer, but that didn't work all that well.

Authors note of DOOM: I replaced the first drabble in this chapter with something that I found to be waaay funnier. Most people find my sense of humor to be deranged. I think that this might be why.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

It was one fine day in Hobbiton, when Frodo said randomly, "I have more facts about Vin Diesel."

Gandalf, who was conveniently next to him was confused. "Who?"

"Vin Diesel. I have more facts about him," said Frodo.

"Um...ok."

"His nipples are SO red, that he can defeat a walrus, sexually."

There was an awkward silence. "...Thank you, Frodo. I really wanted to hear that."

There was another pause.

"I have more facts about Vin Diesel."

Gandalf didn't say anything, in hopes that Frodo would shut up.

"He destroyed the ring."

This got Gandalfs attention. "Say what?"

"He destroyed the ring. Yay for Vin Diesel."

"Oh. Yay."

* * *

ONE WAY TO KILL SAURON 

Frodo, Gandalf, just about every major character in LotR, and some random guy named Possibly Steve were standing around Saurons tower o' DOOM. Gandalf stepped forward and raised his arms dramatically.

"I SUMMON FROM THE DEPTHS...THE NEEDLE!

A giant needle appeared above Saurons eye and started to repeatedly stab it.

"OMGBLARGGURGLEDIEKILLDYINGBLARG!1!1111" cried Sauron in his death throes.

"Yay!" yelled Possibly Steve.

"Shut up, Possibly Steve!" yelled everyone.

* * *

ONE WAY TO KILL SAURON 

Gandalf and Frodo were riding on the back of an eagle, and flying over Saurons tower o' DOOM, each holding a glass of water.

"This plan is so retarded." said Frodo.

"Shut up! It'll work!" argued Gandalf.

"But it's so stupid! It defies science!"

"So? That's the point! Ok, we're here!"

They raised their glasses, toasted, and poured the water all over Saurons eye o' DOOM, extinguishing the flames, and killing Sauron.

"SUCK CHAOS YOU FREAK!"

"OMFG I'M NAKED!" cried the eye o' DOOM. Then he died. ...Yay.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

Frodo and Gandalf were standing on the docks of Rivendell, watching a ship sail off.

"Wow! This is the best idea ever! Wow, I'm awesome! I mean, who would have thought that getting rid of the ring would be this simple? Just send it across the sea in a ship! I'm a genius!" said Frodo, all happy-like.

"It was MY idea." muttered Gandalf.

"Man, I AM the famoustest of Hobbits! I RULE!" yelled Frodo.

"It was MY IDEA!" yelled Gandalf.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

Merry and Pippin were sitting on a beach, dressed in colorful Hawaiian shirts. Gandalf randomly walked over.

"Merry! Pippin! Vacation time is OVER! You two have to get rid of the ring!"

"We already did." they said in unison.

"Oh..." said Gandalf, surprised. "What did you do?"

"We tied the ring with THE super evil resistant, impossible to untie, elven DENTAL FLOSS--" started Pippin.

To THE super heavy, evil resistant, elven, ROCK!" Merry finished.

"Then, we hired a REALLY strong badger lord---"

"To push it into the sea!"

"Sauron will NEVER get the ring now!"

Gandalf was silent for a moment. Then he said, "I hate you all. HATE...YOU...ALLLLLLL."

"HUZZAH!" cried Merry and Pippin.

"Don't worry, Gandalf! It really worked! See?" Merry pointed out towards the shore where some ringwraithes were standing right on the outside of the tideline, standing there looking really depressed.

"Woah." said Pippin. "They really can't do anything, can they? It's like their purpose in life has been shattered."

"Man...now I feel kinda guilty." said Merry.

There was a pause. The ringwraites randomly burst into flames. There was another pause.

"Ok, the guilt's gone." said Merry.

* * *

This is probably one of the lesser funny chapter things...That's why I put in Vin Diesel. Vote for Vin Diesel! 

If your wondering about Possibly Steve...it's a funny story...but kinda stupid. So I'll leave his origin a mystery. It's better this way.

I'm gonna try to update faster from now on. But not too fast. Last time I posted this thing, it practically an update every couple of days, an it went by too quickly. Now to get to work! (runs over to computer and conveniently forgets everything that happened in the last five minutes) Yay! T.M.R. mp3s!


	4. Chapter 4

Blarg! Sorry it took so long! I feel really bad! But not really! I'm just lazy! Apologies for the suckiness of the last chapter...I kinda rushed it a little. My bad. Won't happen again.

Oh, and Leaviel: Oh crap, I can't use real people? Whoops. (calls to large group of people including George Bush, the cast of 'Dude, Where's my Car, Martin the Warrior ((he's REAL. Yes...)), Chachamaru,and all of L'arc en Ciels fan club) Sorry guys, you gotta go now. Except for you, Martin. you can stay.

L'arc en Ciels fanclub: (speaks some stuff in Japanese and leaves)

Dude, Wheres My Car Cast: Dude. Not cool. (leaves)

George Bush: (bursts into tears and falls off a cliff)

Chachamaru: ...ok then. (flies away)

Martin: SQUEEE!

Onwards then...

* * *

ONE WAY TO KILL SAURON 

All the major characters from LotR are standing around Saurons tower.

"I SUMMON FROM THE DEEPS...THE CONDEMENT!" yells Gandalf, waving his arms around and stuff.

Suddenly, a giant salt shaker appears above Sauron. It starts pouring salt all over him.

"IT BUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRNSSSSSSSS!" Yells a dying Sauron.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" yells the little victim peoples of Middle Earth.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

"I'm a genius!" yelled Frodo. Five seconds later, he ate the ring.

"...What was the point of that...?" asked a very disturbed Gandalf.

"Easy! The ring will stay hid, and when I die, my successor will pluck the ring from my broken body, and he/she will eat it, then when they die, the ring will be plucked from his/her broken body, and eaten by his/her new sucessor, and so on!" said Frodo triumphantly.

"Oooookaaay..." said Gandalf, backing away slowly.

"THIS IS THE BEST IDEA EVER!"

* * *

AN EASIER WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

Frodowas on the computer one day. Worried, Gandalf walked over.

"Frodo, I thought we went over this. Sending the ring to Ivalice is a STUPID IDEA."

"What? No, I'm E-mailing it to Mt. Doom!"

Gandalf stared at him. "Wow. That idea is actually somewhat SMART."

Computer: Beep! Message sent. Beep!

An exploasion was heard in the Mordor direction.

"Looks like my work here is done!" said Frodo.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

One day in Hobbiton, Frodo was carrying some sort of gold coin thingy about a foot in diameter around.

"Frodo...? What the heck is that?" asked Gandalf, who was randomly in the area.

"Its the ring! I added layers to it, until it looked like this. This way, Sauron can't wear it! Thus, can't use its power!" said Frodo.

"Frodo! Lets take it to Mordor and taunt Sauron with it!" said Gandalf.

"OK!"

Later in Mordor...

"Hi Sauron! We brought you the ring!" yelled Frodo and Gandalf.

"AT LAST! GIMMIE GIMME!" said the Dark Lord guy.

Frodo tossed what was now the ring at Saurons tower. "Here ya go."

Saurons eye stared at it for a second. And then the eye exploaded. Yeah. That's what happened.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

"Where is the ring?" asked Gandalf.

"Six feet under!" sang (yes, sang) Frodo.

"...Why'd you do that?"

"Just to hide it."

"What about-"

"I SAID, FRED JUST MOVE ALONG! She knew that she was doing wrong! OH YES OH YES OH YES WE BOTH OH YES WE BOTH OH YES WE BOTH REACHED FOR, THE GUN THE GUN THE GUN THE GUN--"

"FRODO! What are you doing?" yelled Gandalf.

"Sorry, Gandalf. But, don't you just love Chicago?"

"How should I know? I've never been there!"

"No, I mean the musical!"

"Oh yeah...That was a good movie."

"Yeah...So anyway, I buried the ring!" said Frodo.

"Good for you."

"Wanna sing Chicago showtunes?"

"Sure, why not..."

* * *

BHB: Heh...I remember this chapter...God, I liked Chicago then, but now...it's ok, but...meh. The Cell Block Tango pwns all. Remember that. 


	5. Chapter 5: SPECIAL EDITION!

Huzzah...new chappy...GAH! I hate to say this...but I honestly hate redoing these chapters...What? No, I'm still gonna finish this as soon as possible. Might as well, if not for my enjoyment, then for the reviewers and to stick it to da man! ...And when I say 'as soon as possible' I mean it'll be done sometime this year. Five more to go after this! I'm halfway done! Huzzah! I can't wait till I finish this, then I can focus on my D&D fic. (coughcoughhinthintpleasereadhinthintcoughcougheventhoughitsuckscoughhackspit) So, yay, there's my motivation. Yay. Oh, and I don't own anything.

Oh, and to celebrate making it this far, this is a special edition chapter! DIFFERENT PLACES TO BURY THE RING! So original I know...

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING

It was a bright sunny day at the beach. It was also raining and cloudy, but that's beside the point. Gandalf was digging a hole in the ground and Frodo was standing around, doing nothing.

"Digdigdigdig," dug Gandalf.

"Hey Gandalf." said Frodo. "What are we doing again?"

"This beach is on an uncharted island..." said Gandalf. "If we hide it here, no one will find it."

"Well, what about those tourists over there?" asked Frodo, pointing to several onlookers that were randomly there.

"What? No, uh...YOU SEE NOTHING!" said the tourists, who then ran away screaming.

"That was odd..." remarked Gandalf. "Hey, Frodo. Throw the ring into the hole."

"Why me?"

"Cuz if I touch the ring and it tempts me, I'll turn to the dark side and blow everyone up with my crazy awesome powers. And Nazis will once again ride on dinosaurs."

"OH NO!" Frodo then threw in the ring, and Gandalf used his crazy awesome wizard skills to cover the hole.

"Mission accomplished..."

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING

One bright sunny day- wait that makes no sense. Ya know why? Because Frodo and Gandalf are burying the ring on the MOON. Cuz they can. Huzzah.

"Er...Gandalf? ...I can't breathe up here, can we go now?"

Ignoring Frodos question, Gandalf pointed to some random crater. "Throw in the ring, Frodo!"

Frodo staggered over to the crater and dropped it in. "CAN WE (gasp) GO NOW?"

"Now to bury it." said Gandalf. "And...I feel like taking a very long time to do so."

"NOOOOOOO(gaspcoughhackgasp)OOOooooo..."

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING

Gandalf and Frodo were digging a hole in Mordor.

"Er...Gandalf...Why are we burying it in Mordor...?" asked poor confused Frodo.

"A wise hobbit once said: The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm." said Gandalf, digging.

"...Pippin said that." said Frodo.

Gandalf stopped digging momentarily. "Wha-?"

"Yeah, Pippin said that. You think he's wise?"

"Who? What? How? EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE!"

"...Er...Keep digging Gandalf, it'll keep your mind off things..."

"Just...throw the ring in..." said Gandalf, looking quite dead on the inside.

"Ok..."

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING

Frodo and Gandalf were on the sun. Yes, yes, I know. Shut up, Gandalf used his crazy awesome wizard-ninja skills.

"Gandalf, I can't breathe again..." whined Frodo.

"Sure you can, wuss."

"No, I can't." said Frodo, turning a very unhealthy looking shade of blue.

"Well, throw in the ring."

Frodo did as he was bidden, gasping and hacking and doing other stuff that people who can't breathe do.

"Now to bury it...Why don't YOU bury it, Frodo?" asked Gandalf, looking happier then usual.

"GANDALF WE NEED TO LEAVE NOW."

"Nonsense! Time is an illusion!"

"NO WE REALLY NEED TO LEAVE NOW."

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING

Frodo was milling about in Hobbiton, when Gandalf came running up to him, carrying the shovel.

"Ok, Frodo. I'm ready. Where to next? The ring won't bury itself, ya know." said Gandalf

"Yeah, I already did that." said Frodo.

"YOU buried it?"

"Yup."

"Where?"

"Well..."

Suddenly, Legolas staggered out of Bag End with a very odd looking bump on his head.

"Frodo? Why did I wake up in your house? And why does my head hurt?" he asked, confusedly.

"There's a perfectly good reason...um...I'm lactose intolerant?"

"...Works for me." said Legolas. "Well, see ya." he said, turning to leave.

Gandalf waited until Legolas was out of earshot, and then yelled, "You buried the ring in Legolas's head?"

"Yup. Pretty smart huh?"

There was a pause. Then Gandalf walked away without saying anything.

"YEAH, I'M SO SMART!" yelled Frodo.

* * *

Ugh...Well, actually writing this chapter was fairly painless. I'm just glad I'm getting this done... 


	6. Chapter 6

Update already? THAT'S CRAZY. It's crazy, but IT'S TRUE! (Sorry, I'm always a little out of it after listening to Le Ciel over and over again...) SO READ. Now. Yay. (passes out)

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

It was a sunny, happy day in the Shire. Gandalf was standing around, doing nothing, thinking about what a nice day it was to be standing around doing nothing. That is, until Frodo ran over to Gandalf, holding a cute red balloon.

"Gandalf! Guess what?" yelled Frodo happily.

"You're gonna do me a favor and die?"

"No! I GOT A BALLOON! YAY!"

Gandalf rolled his eyes. "Lovely. I'll tell you when I care."

Frodo just stood there smiling, looking as adorable as any hobbit with a balloon would. (Yeah, I love the imagery for some reason. IT'S CUTE! YAY!)

Gandalf suddenly was struck with an idea. "Wait, Frodo! Tie the ring to that balloon!"

"Ok!" Frodo dutifully did so. "Now what?"

Gandalf grabbed it out of Frodos hands and let go of it, which of course made it go upwards. Into the sky. Cuz it's a balloon. So yay.

"Well, that solves that problem." said Gandalf, watching the balloon and it's evil demonic burden fly off. "Y'know...except for the problem that that's not physically possible."

"Yeah, but whatcha gonna do?" said Frodo, getting over the loss of his balloon quickly. "Nothing in this fic makes sense anyway."

* * *

ONE WAY TO KILL SAURON 

Gandalf and Aragorn were in Gondor, plotting the downfall of Sauron that wouldn't include two halflings and the fires of Mount Doom. It was going pretty well.

"So, you conjure up a giant bucket of-" Aragorn started.

"Pepper spray? Did that." said Gandalf.

"Then summon-"

"The needle? Done."

"Then get-"

"Did the water. And the salt. And the cast of 'Dude, where's my car'."

Ok, maybe not so well.

"We need an original idea." said Aragorn, finally. "Or a plot device."

"But this isn't Wraithes on Wings Airlines!" said Gandalf. "We can't bring in Myrtle!"

((A/N: Wraithes on Wings is another fic I've been working on...If you haven't read it, you wouldn't get it. So...read it. And then read my D&D fic Guru un Iorek. And review it. Yay.))

"Sauron has no eyelids, thus can't blink or close his eyes. We can use that against him..." said Gandalf, scratching his head in deep thought.

"Show him something so disgusting, that he'll die!" said Aragorn triumphantly.

"...Vanilla?"

"No, not- what? What the heck are you talking about?"

"Nothing."

((A/N: Sometimes, I just can't help myself. If you get it, great. If you don't, don't worry, you're not supposed to. That's why it's there.))

"Ok...Well, Gandalf, you can flash him!" said Aragorn, cracking up.

"Ha freakin' ha. Very funny." said Gandalf, not amused.

Then suddenly, one of those lightbulbs appeared over Gandalfs head.

"I GOT IT!" he yelled triumphantly.

Later...

"So, what'd you do?" asked Aragorn.

"I sent a lady that's even older than me, in a bikini, to walk around Saurons eye." said Gandalf.

"Er...that's stupid."

"Shut up, I was short on time."

Their conversation was interrupted by several loud screams of pain coming from Mordors general direction.

"See? At least it worked."

* * *

ONE WAY TO KILL SAURON 

It was a peaceful day...except for the fact that the peace was being shattered by several loud obnoxious screams of pain. Coming from Mordor. Yay.

"Gandalf, what the heck did you do this time?" yelled Aragorn, covering his ears.

"I sent a naked orc." said Gandalf casually. "Just building on the last idea. It's easier."

"Yeah, but it's also lazy."

Gandalf merely shrugged. "Blame the lazy author."

* * *

ONE WAY TO KILL SAURON 

All of LoTRs major characters were all standing around Saurons tower. Gandalf stepped forward.

"I have created the ultimate weapon to use against this great evil!" Gandalf said triumphantly. " I SUMMON FROM THE DEEPS: THE GIANT BUCKET OF EYE IRRITATION!"

A giant bucket appeared over Saurons head, full of pepper spay, salt, pointy things, water, and Febreze. Its contents were poured all over Sauron, making him scream and bleed and die.

"Yay." said everyone.

"Uh...Deja vu." said Frodo. "We've done stuff like this before."

"Shut up, the next chapter's better." said Gandalf.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

It was a beautiful day. ...And Frodo was spending it at the computer. Cuz he's like that. Gandalf randomly walked in.

"What, another e-mail? You'd think that the author could come up with better." said Gandalf.

"This isn't an e-mail. I digitized the ring. Now I'll delete the thing." said Frodo.

COMPUTER: BEEP. DELETED. BEEP.

"Hey, it worked." said Frodo. "Yay!"

* * *

Yeah...This chapter could've been a little better. Keep in mind that I wrote this about two years ago, so...yeah. In the act of bringing it back, I've decided to avoid changing the fic, other then to make it better. Sure, drastically changing the stuff in this fic WOULD make it better, but I'm not going to change the ideas I had for this fic. It's a very nostalgic hope of mine that some of my old reviewers from the script days would return...although that has yet to happen, I'm keeping it this way for them. Yeah Leaviel, you don't count. 


	7. Chapter 7

Ok...Another chapter...Ooh, as a side note, there was another bit with a mentioning of Ivalice. Meaning I'm not going to use it. Meaning that it's been replaced. This must sound hypocritical, cuz I said I wouldn't be changing the content, but...I highly doubt that many of you have played FFTA, whether you've read the old version or not. So yay! I get to think of something new!

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING

Frodo was standing next to the forbidden pool thing when he was suddenly struck with an idea. He quickly tossed the ring into the pool, and then poured out the contents of a bottle of RAT Brand Rat Poison. Faramir quickly ran up to him.

"Frodo, what are you doing?"

Frodo ignored him, except to sidestep him and push him into the forbidden pool, where he died. Yay.

"Y'see," said Frodo to the audience, "Now, no one can get the ring without being shot full of arrows, or poisoned! I AM A GENIUS!"

"BLARG! I AM DEAD!" said Faramir.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY RAT BRAND RAT POISON! USE IT ON YOUR FRIENDS!

* * *

ONE WAY TO KILL SAURON

Gandalf was flying on the back of an eagle, in Mordor, holding a camera.

"EAT THIS, DEMONSPAWN!" he yelled, taking a picture of Sauron, the flash blinding him.

"HOLY PIE, I CAN'T SEE!" screamed Sauron. And then he died. Yeah...

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING (featuring a guest star)

Frodo and Gandalf were hanging out at Bag End, when suddenly there was a knock at the door.

"Come in..." said Frodo lazily. Then he turned to Gandalf. "That's who I hired to take the ring for us."

"Oh, really? Who?" asked Gandalf.

Suddenly, Hedgewife Myrtle the Punisher walked in.

"OH GOD!" yelled Gandalf, hiding under the table. "Frodo, I thought we COULDN'T bring in Myrtle!"

"Yeah, it cost a lot of money, but we got her!" said Frodo. "It's better then Ivalice, at least."

A/N: Yeah, same Myrtle as mentioned in the last chapter. Myrtle, my favorite plot device, is a hedgehog wearing an apron, who weilds a variety of weapons and has lots of secret hedgehog powers and stuff. She hails from the freakin' sweet land of Mossflower, and is currently on her third marrage to Sonic the Hedgehog. She has three kids she has kept hidden from the public. Because she's training them in the very arts that she has mastered, so they can take over the world. Yay.

"Great, now we have to suffer Myrtle, _and_ budget cuts!" yelled Gandalf from under the table. "Do you have any idea HOW much money it takes to bring someone like HER into ANOTHER fic!"

"Hey, it was the authors idea, not mine!"

"Well, the author is an idiot!"

"Oh nonsense, I'm just lazy." said BHB, who was randomly there. "Hi Myrtle."

"Hi master." said Myrtle, waving.

"So give the ring to Myrtle already. We can't afford to have this segment be any longer then five minutes."

"Er...ok." Frodo gave the ring to Myrtle.

"Wait, wait..." said BHB. "Almost forgot." She took the ring from Myrtle and gave her a different ring. "We can't afford to use this ring now."

"This...this ring is made of plastic." said Myrtle, shocked.

"Yeah...funny story really, we didn't HAVE to do that at first, but then I kinda lost a bet..."

"YOU IDIOT!" yelled Gandalf.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING

Frodo and Gandalf were standing around as usual.

"So...Frodo, what did you do with the ring?" asked Gandalf.

"Er...I did some stuff...and I hid it in someones kidney."

"You WHAT?"

Suddenly, Legolas staggered out of Bag End.

"Yeah, it was kinda hard. For some reason, the guy only had one kidney." said Frodo, not noticing.

"Frodo...Why did I wake up in your house...And why does my kidney hurt...?"

"OH GOD!" Frodo spun around and stabbed Legolas. "Oh...Legolas. Heh. I thought you were someone else, like a ringwraithe or something."

"Oh...god..." groaned Legolas, clutching at the place where he was stabbed. "This...is...the...end..." Then he collapsed. Not even his prettiness could save him.

"Oh Legolas, you little joker!" laughed Frodo good naturedly.

"My god, I'm surrounded by idiots." muttered Gandalf.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING

Frodo was in Bag End, hanging around the local well, then checking to see that no one was watching, he tossed in the ring.

"Uh...Frodo? Why'd you do that?" asked Gandalf, who was watching the whole time. Cuz he's cool like that.

"Because NO ONE can destroy the holy powers of the awesome WISHING WELL! 'Cause a dream is a wish your heart makes..." sang Frodo.

"Shut up, that song is completly inacurate! Did Link WANT to face Gannondorf? Did BHB WANT to be horribly killed bysome undead thing weiding both a chainsaw and a roque mallet? Did I WANT to find the cure for cancer, but quickly found that the cure only led to more killing?"

"You dreamed that?"

"Yes."

"Gandalf?

"Yes?"

"You have problems."

* * *

...The next chapter might take a little while. Especially since I have to update Guru un Iorek this month...I'll try to get another chapter out next month. 


	8. Chapter 8

Update update yay yay yay...sorry it took so long, things've been busy. Or I have been lazy. Or a hybrid of the two...heh...hybrid is a cool word.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

One day, Gandalf and Frodo got bored of Hobbiton. So Gandalf and Frodo decided to go and visit Shadowfax in some random field thingy. Cuz no stable can hold Shadowfax!

"Damn right," said Shadowfax.

"Holy pie, Shadowfax speaketh!" yelled Frodo.

"No he didn't," Gandalf said, slapping Frodo upside the head. "You heard nothing!"

"Wow Gandalf," sighed Frodo like a little girl. "I bet Shadowfax can even outrun Ringwraithes!"

"Yeah, Shadowfax is cool like- WAIT, Frodo, tie the ring around Shadowfax's neck!"

"Ok," said Frodo, dutifully doing the task he was given. "Now what?"

"BE FREE, SHADOWFAX!" yelled Gandalf dramatically.

Shadowfax trotted away indifferently.

"Great!" exclaimed Frodo. "Now Sauron will NEVER get the ring! No one can catch Shadowfax!"

"I know!"

They stood there for a few minutes.

"Is that it?"

"I guess."

"That wasn't funny enough."

Suddenly, Legolas ran by... and he was on fire.

"Heheheheh. Legolas is flaming." snickered Frodo.

"Ok, next drabble." said Gandalf.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

Frodo was in the kitchen of Bag End wearing an apron and waiting expectantly in front of an oven.

"Something smells good." remarked Gandalf, who was randomly there, as always. "Whatcha making?"

"Gingerbread men. They're not for eating, though." said Frodo.

"You didn't bake the ring into the cookies, did you? Frodo you moron!"

"No! I have the ring right here!" said Frodo, holding up said ring.

"Good. Last time you did that, the Evil Sackville Baggins' almost died." said Gandalf, remembering the first chapter.

"And that's a bad thing?" said Frodo, surprised.

"...Yeah, you're right."

After a time, the cookies were done. Frodo pulled them out, and tied the ring to one of the gingerbread men.

"Why'd you do that?" asked Gandalf, having a feeling he knew what was coming.

"No one can catch the gingerbread men! Not even Sauron!" yelled Frodo triumphantly.

Gandalf simply sat there.

* * *

ONE WAY TO KILL SAURON 

All of the main characters of LoTR were standing around Saurons tower, all holding pointy objects. But there attention was focused on a fight between Gandalf and BHB, who wasn't really a character in LoTR, but oh well.

"NO! BHB, we are NOT going to fire lots of pointy objects at Saurons eye! We've done that a million times!" yelled Gandalf, outraged.

"Well, SORRY, I guess the original plotlines aren't GOOD ENOUGH for you!" yelled BHB, also angry.

"CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOUR FIGHTING IS TEARING US ALL APART?" yelled Sam, waving his arms around.

"SHUT UP, SAM!" yelled Gandalf and BHB.

"We have to kill him SOME way! This is supposed to be fifty ways to get rid of the ring and/or kill Sauron! Fifty!"

"Then use your stupid 'author powers' or whatever!"

"What, you think money grows on TREES! Our budget can't support something like that!"

"THIS IS A FANFIC, NOT A MOVIE! YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!"

"CAN I, Gandalf? CAN I?"

"Yes, yes you can."

"Ooh, this is gettin' good," muttered Aragorn, watching the fight.

"Well...I can't fly."

"...So? Who cares if you can FLY or not! We need to kill Sauron!"

"Ya know what? FINE! I think I will!" BHB turned to the Eye, perched up on the tower. "Hey, Sauron. I'll give you my Moi Dix Mois CD if you die!"

"OH BOY!" yelled Sauron, who spontaneously combusted at that moment.

"...Your...Moi Dix Mois CD?" said Gandalf dully.

"Yes...Mine." BHB said, clutching the said CD to her, looking around suspiciously. "He can't have it. It's MINE."

"Can I have-?"

"No."

"...Dammit."

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

It was a sunny day in the Shire and Frodo was just walking out of the local pawnshop.

"Why were you in that pawnshop?" asked Gandalf, who had randomly appeared from the shadows...which, come to think of it, weren't really there.

"Oh, I was just selling the ring."

Gandalf whacked him upside the head. "You idiot!"

"But, Gandalf..."

"I can't believe you!"

"I'm now TEN BUCKS richer!"

"...Oh. I guess that makes sense."

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

BHB was pacing around, frustrated and muttering, "Damn budget cuts," over and over.

"What's wrong, almighty author with a Moi Dix Mois CD?" asked Frodo.

"Enough with the CD, Frodo-kun, we have to think of a drabble! Now! The one in the original won't work!"

"Why?"

"...Budget cuts. Damn budget cuts. Wait! I have a plan!"

"...Is this the plan with the AK47?"

"...No, that plan will come to fruitation much, much later." said BHB. "In the original, we hire a badger lord to take the ring off our hands, not unlike how we gave the ring to Myrtle the Punisher last chapter. But the badger lord was too expensive, and a little to foreign. I think we can do something like that, but we replace the badger lord with something cheaper..."

"Like what?" asked Frodo.

BHB didn't answer. Instead, she snapped her fingers and someone randomly appeared next to her. And that someone was Possibly Steve, back by popular demand!

BHB grabbed the ring from Frodo and gave it to Possibly Steve. "Just...take it. Take it and get away from me."

"Yay." said Possibly Steve, running away.

"...I hate that guy."

"Me too. ...BHB, are you going to stop this, now?"

"Stop what?"

"The self-insertion."

"Uh...er...Look behind you, it's an imperial walker!"

Frodo whirled around, yelling, "EWOKS ATTAAAAACK!"

Suddenly, an army of ewoks flew through the air, wielding clubs and flying in the direction of the supposed imperial walker.

"Whoops, sorry!" said BHB, scratching her head. "It was just a pile of knives. My bad!"

"My brethren..." groaned Frodo, sadly.

* * *

Yesh, yesh, that took a little too long, didn't it? Two chapters to go after this. I'll get this done! I promise! 


	9. Chapter 9

Ay...I'm sorry! Again! I took long, didn't I? Sorry! This always happens...Oh well. Onwards, then.

* * *

ONE WAY TO KILL SAURON 

Frodo was in Bag End, sewing several pieces of cloth together.

"Frodo! What the crap are you doing?" asked Gandalf, popping out of the shadows like he always does.

"Making a voodoo doll of Sauron." replied Frodo, absorbed in his work.

"You make voodoo dolls?" asked Gandalf, surprised.

Frodo looked up from the little pile of rags he was attempting to sew together. "Yeah, I have one of you." He held up a cute little chibi Gandalf doll.

"YOU gave me arthritis?"

"Yup. But not on purpose!"

Suddenly, Merry and Pippin barged into Bag End. "Hello Frodo!"

"Guys!" yelled Frodo. "I just made a voodoo doll of Sauron, and I want you to torture it for me!"

"Oh boy!" yelled Merry and Pippin, with thoughts of Chinese Bamboo and Goat torture dancing through their heads.

Several minutes later, tortured screams of pain could be heard coming from the general direction of Mordor.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

"Gandalf!" yelled Frodo one day. "I found a cat! And I have an awesome idea!"

"Frodo, whose cat is that?" asked Gandalf. "It looks kinda like-"

"Frodo, get your dirty little hobbit hands off my cat!" yelled BHB, wielding a H&K P7M8 pistol.

"...Where'd you get that?" asked Gandalf, eyeing the gun and backing away.

"Look, I'll give him back!" said Frodo, clutching the cat. "Just...give me a minute." He quickly forced the ring into the cats mouth, causing the rings evilness to possess him. He glared evily at Frodo and Gandalf, jumped out of Frodos arms, and skittered over to Bunny Hooded Bombchu.

"Mistress, take me home before I claw the eyes out of these inferior beings." said the cat (whose name, by the way, was Simba). "I feel the need to feed before I start my reign of terror."

"Er...Sure." said BHB, awkwardly picking up her beloved cat. "Frodo, I'll get you for this later!"

"As will I!" said Simba, as they disappeared into thin air.

Gandalf and Frodo stood there, processing what had just happened.

"Gandalf?"

"Yeah?"

"Y'know that feeling of impending doom you get because of the ring?"

"Yeah."

"I think we just made things worse."

"Yup."

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

"I am a very powerful person...But true power lies not within me. It lies far away from my home, in a place that is very far away...from my home, that is."

Gandalf rolled his eyes.

"There, my army is waiting for me. Waiting to do my bidding, to follow my every command, to fight for me, to die for me and/or with me. They've been kept waiting for far too long."

Frodo yawned.

"Now is the time! Stop waiting, my army! Tonight we march upon the world and make ourselves known to friend and enemy alike! Tonight all the promises I made will be fulfilled! Tonight our endless plotting will at last come to fruitation! Tonight, my brethren! Victory shall be ours!"

"Are you done yet?" yelled Gandalf.

"What? Oh yeah. Sure." said BHB sheepishly, standing in a large town square surrounded by hordes of pigeons. "I was just motivating my brethren. We're going to take over some third world backwater country."

"That's great, but let's hurry up and get this over with." said Frodo. "Pick your best and mightiest scout from among your Bunny Hooded Pigeon Horde."

Gandalf rolled his eyes again. "Frodo, you shouldn't take this so seriously...I mean, c'mon! They're pigeons."

BHB picked up a worthy looking pigeon and gave it to Frodo. "One wrong move, Frodo," she warned, "and I will give the signal to the Bunny Hooded Pigeon Horde Snipers and they'll give no mercy."

"Uh...sure..." said Frodo, unsure of how to react to this. He then tied the ring to the pigeons foot, and handed the bird back to BHB.

"Now fly, Cloud-Furrower! Be free!" she yelled as the pigeon took flight.

"...Man...this is a beautiful moment." said Frodo, wiping a tear from his eye.

"I hate you all." said Gandalf.

"That was a bad move on your part, mistress." said Simba the cat, pawing at BHBs leg. "I may just have to hunt down your little Cloud-Furrower...so I can take the ring for myself."

"No, you can't--Wait." BHB looked oddly at Simba, then at the retreating shape of the scout pigeon. "Two rings?"

Everyone looked at each other confusedly.

* * *

ONE WAY TO KILL SAURON 

"Uh...ok..." said Aragorn awkwardly. "I have no idea what to do..."

"Well, the title says 'one way to kill sauron...' so..." Gandalfs voice trailed off.

"Dammit. We're out of ideas!"

"We have an idea!" yelled Merry and Pippin.

"Man, maybe someone else we know has a good idea. Like Boromir." suggested Aragorn.

"We have an idea!" yelled Merry and Pippin.

"Or maybe Gimli. He hasn't even appeared in this fanfic yet." said Gandalf.

"We have an idea!" yelled Merry and Pippin.

"Go away hobbits, you bother us." said Gandalf, waving them away.

Merry and Pippin ignored this. "We've just sent the Febreze fairy to get rid of Sauron for you!"

"That's nice, now- What? Who?"

"The Febreze fairy."

"How will the Febreze fairy be able to kill Sauron?"

"We don't know. But Febreze can do anything!"

"But-"

"ANYTHING!"

"Ok, ok..."

Suddenly, the Febreze fairy flew in through the window. "Mission accomplished!" she said, happily.

"Yay!" yelled Merry and Pippin.

"I hate you all." said Gandalf.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING 

"Febreze fairy!" yelled Merry and Pippin. "Get rid of the ring for us!"

"Ok!" said the Febreze fairy. And so the ring was gone forever.

"Wait, wait..." said Frodo. "That sucked."

"Well, at least the ring is gone." said Gandalf.

"Yeah, but you can't just use the same thing as last time, and suddenly all of our problems are gone!" yelled Frodo. "Think of the reviewers!"

"Meh. Fine. Someone, do something amusing! This drabble should be funnier!"

"Uh...ok I have an idea!" said Frodo.

"What?"

Suddenly, there was a crash. "An angel is attacking!" yelled Merry.

"Oh god, it's an Eva!" cried Pippin, looking in the direction of the explosion.

Frodo and Gandalf didn't see any Evas or Angels, and were very confused.

"There's someone in there! Oh god...what if it's...Toji!" cried Merry.

"Y'know what's even worse! Kaoru is an angel!"

"No, not Kaoru! I deserve to die, not him!"

"No, no, not the Dummy System! The bugs haven't been fixed yet!"

"Oh god, they're ripping Toji apart!"

"Uh..." said Gandalf. "What was your idea, Frodo?"

"I forgot..." said Frodo.

"Toji! NO!" yelled Merry and Pippin in the direction of the explosion that probably never happened.

"...Well, this is stupid." said Frodo.

"I have no idea what they're talking about." said Gandalf.

"Y'know what? The ring is gone. This isn't our problem."

"Yeah, let's leave..."

"I'll never pilot an Eva again!"

* * *

Yeah...This is one of those things that you're not necessarily supposed to understand. Don't worry about it. Oh well! In other news: Only one more chapter to go! And you know what else? It's been about a year since I've restarted this fic! I'm kinda disappointed, really...I was hoping to have this done a loooong time ago. So...that makes about...three years since the original script version? Hm. Oh well. I'll try to have this updated within the next month, if I can. Of course, you probably know that I'll forget and you won't get an update until the middle of summer. Then I can get back to my D&D fic at last... 


	10. Chapter 10

"After years of endless torment and hard work and blood and sweat and stuff like that, What They Should Have Done is finally coming to an end," said BHB, filing her much-bitten nails.

"Finally," muttered Gandalf.

"It was fun," said Frodo.

"And so, to celebrate, we're having the really early after party right here!" yelled BHB, throwing away the file and firing her H&K P7M8 pistol into the ceiling. Everyone stopped whatever they were doing and stared at her.

"Uh...I brought punch!" said Frodo, pointing at an obnoxiously huge bowl of punch.

"Yay!" yelled everyone, running towards the punch bowl.

Frodo sighed in relief, knowing he had averted disaster.

"Hey, BHB...I was thinking..." started Gandalf.

"That's great Gandalf, the world needs more people who think," said BHB absentmindedly, distracted by the punch and its promises of fruity goodliness

"Yeah, anyway, I thought that maybe we could rent a karaoke machine or something. It'd be nice if we all had something to do besides sit around and drink crappy punch that someone's probably spiked."

"Spiked? NONSENSE!" yelled Aragorn, running away from the polar bears in his mind.

"...Ok then. So, what do you think?" asked Gandalf.

BHBs face remained expressionless.

"Bunny? Helloooo...did you hear me?"

"Yes, Gandalf. I heard you," said BHB, smiling evilly. "That is a wonderful idea. Rent away, Gandalf. Rent away."

"Er...Ok, I'll go get one...be right back, I guess," Gandalf turned to leave, when suddenly a random hobbit-looking girl glomped Gandalf to the ground.

"NO!" she yelled. "Don't let BHB manipulate you!"

Yes, this girl was the author Leaviel. Go read her stuff, it'll do ya a world of good.

"What? It's just karaoke!" yelled Gandalf, pinned to the ground.

"Yes, yes, it SEEMS innocent enough...but then..." Leaviel twitched. "She'll go crazy with references to Japanese rock bands that no one has ever heard of!"

"OH NOES!" yelled everyone.

"Um...uh...LOOK BEHIND YOU! THE FIRST DRABBLE!" yelled BHB. Everybody turned around as BHB ran away.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING

It was early evening in the Barrow Downs, and the only sounds that could be heard were the hysterical screams and the sound of little running hobbit feet. And of course, we all know who it was disturbing the peace.

Frodo was running for his miserable life and screaming at the top of his lungs. "GANDALF! OH MY GOD, WHERE ARE YOU?"

"Right here," said Gandalf, who had been running beside him for the past five minutes.

"Oh. WELL, GET US OUT OF HERE!" screamed Frodo hysterically.

"Why?" asked Gandalf.

"THERE'S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! HE'S COMING, AND WE HAVE TO GET AWAY, NOW!"

"Ok, ok..." So Gandalf used his mad skillz to teleport the both of them back to Hobbiton.

"I think I know who you were running from," started Gandalf. "It was...Bombadil, wasn't it?"

The instant he spoke the dreaded name, thunder crashed and forbidding music played, despite the fact that the weather was bright and sunny.

"Shh! Don't say his name!" said Frodo. He suddenly broke down completely. "I'm horrible, Gandalf! I didn't know what to do, and I just ran...And Merry and Pippin...I don't think they got away! I just left them there, with that...that...Oh Gandalf!" he sobbed pathetically.

"Dude. We're ok," said Merry and Pippin.

"And we don't really blame you," added Merry.

"We would have done the same thing!" said Pippin.

"Merry! Pippin! You're alive!" cried Frodo. "And Gandalf! You saved our lives back there!"

"Aw...there's so much love here!" said Pippin.

"Group hug!" yelled Merry.

They all hugged Gandalf, who threatened to rip their heads off if they didn't stop, so it didn't last very long.

"Well, at least I accomplished the mission," said Frodo, sniffing after their little moment.

"Yeah, so Middle Earth is saved!" yelled Merry joyously.

"You were trying to give the ring to Tom Bombadil, weren't you?" asked Gandalf, ignoring the thunder crash and forbidding music that played as he said the name. "Are you crazy? Who in their right minds would go NEAR him?"

"Exactly. No Orc, Urak-hai, or Ringwraithe would be insane enough to go within fifty miles of that guy!" said Frodo triumphantly.

"I just hope you're right," said Gandalf.

Meanwhile, around the Barrow Downs...

"Holy crap! Bombadil has the ring!" yelled some random Ringwraithe.

Thunder crashed. Forbidding music played. You get the picture.

"Retreat!" yelled the Wraithes small army of Urak-Hai.

"Good idea!" yelled the Ringwraithe.

And so they all ran away. Yay.

* * *

"Man, I hated that one," said Frodo.

"Yeah," said BHB. "I almost considered feeling sorry for what I put you through."

"Just doing mah job!" said Frodo.

"...You know what the early after party needs?" said BHB.

"What? Balloons? Streamers? ...Music?"

"Nonononono...Although, music would-"

"Don't even think about it," called Leaviel from across the room, where she was glomping Merry and having the time of her life.

"Yeah, so anyway, we need some guest stars. Besides Leaviel."

"Why?" asked Frodo.

"Well, in the last versions early afterparty, we had lots of guests...Like Tony from the Shining, and Lady Cregga Rose Eyes, the badger lord..."

"What about budget cuts?" asked Frodo.

"It's the last chapter. It's not like we're saving up for anything." She snapped her fingers and Hedgewife Myrtle the Punisher burst in through the window.

"Ok, there's one. Now for the token Redwall character..." She snapped her fingers again, and Badger Lady Melesme popped into the room.

"Good, good," said BHB, surveying the room. "Now for one more..." She snapped her fingers one more time and 'Heart of Sword' by T.M.Revolution started playing in the background. "Whoops, wrong author power."

"Well, it is the ending theme to Ruroni Kenshin...so I guess some people will get it." said Leaviel.

BHB snapped her fingers one more time and Possibly Steve appeared in the room, only to be shunned by everyone there.

"Well, it's better then nothing," said BHB. She snapped her fingers one more time and the second drabble started.

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING

Frodo was in Bag End, eating his second breakfast, when there was a knock at the door. He opened it, and Merry and Pippin walked in, carrying a small box.

"Great! You got the supplies!" said Frodo, happily.

"Yes, yes, and it took forever to find!" said Merry.

"We want a reward for this!" added Pippin.

"Ok ok, you can have my Evil Sackville Baggins voodoo doll."

"Woohoo!" yelled Merry and Pippin, grabbing the doll and running over to...wherever they go to torture stuff. Shut up, I'm lazy, and what Frodo's doing is more important. So he opened the box and inside was a Morgul Knife!

"OMG!" yelled everyone.

"What?" Frodo looked around confusedly at the crowd of people that had randomly appeared in the room.

"Um...uh...YOU SAW NOTHING!" yelled the crowd as they ran out the door.

"Freaking tourists..." muttered Frodo

And so he took the knife and, defying all laws of physics, stabbed the ring!

"OMG!" yelled Sam.

"Go away!" yelled Frodo.

"Yeesh. You could just lock your door," said Sam, leaving.

Anyways, the ring began reacting oddly-

"OMG!" yelled the Evil Sackville Baggins.

"Dammit!" yelled Frodo. "Get out of my house!"

"Never! This house will one day be mine!"

"No, it won't, so DEAL WITH IT!"

And then there was some huge epic battle between Frodo, Evil Sackville Baggins, and some Ewoks, that defied all that anyone could ever do to describe an epic battle, which isn't too bad, because I don't have to write it out. Yay, I'm lazy.

Anyways, after Frodo vanquished the Evil Sackville Baggins and the Ewoks flew away to fight Imperial Walkers, Frodo turned his attention to the Ring, and gasped. The ring was now-

"OMG!" yelled Arwen.

"ARRRGGGHHH!"

17 minutes of stabbing and locksmithing later...

The ring was now Wraithe Ring!

"I don't think it works like that," said Frodo, looking at the new Ringwraith No. 10.

Shut up, this was in the original.

"Stupid original," muttered Frodo.

Wraithe Ring: Muahahahahaha! The ring is in my grasp! Heck, it pretty much IS my grasp!

"What a n00b. It's speaking in script," said Frodo.

"You speak in script when you get drunk, Frodo," said Elrond who had blown up Frodos newly locked door to get in.

"And I suppose you've seen me drunk before."

"Yes. Many, many times."

"Oh. I was not aware of that. ...Wait...But Ringwraithes look for the ring...so this guy is looking for himself? Crap, is he emo and trying to find his existence in this vast and meaningless void we call reality?"

"Now look who's emo," muttered Elrond.

"And what the heck do I do with it? Keep it as a pet?"

"It is kinda cute."

"Yeah, I could buy a little hamster cage for it," said Frodo thoughtfully. "Then again, after losing my last few hamsters in that freak flower picking accident, I don't think it's legal for me to keep a pet anymore."

"I'll take it," said Elrond, who still, come to think of it, hadn't been kicked out of Bag End yet. Odd. I guess it's because he's Elrond.

"Great," said Frodo, tossing him the Wraithe Ring. "Don't let it escape."

"Oh, that's the last thing you need to worry about..." said Elrond, smiling evilly.

Wraithe Ring: Oh noes, I bet he'll molest me or something! Frodo father! Help me!

"You speak in script! You mean nothing to me!" yelled Frodo.

"YOU speak in script if you get drunk," Elrond reminded him.

"And I suppose you've seen me drunk?"

"...Shut up." Elrond took the ring and disappeared.

"...AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

* * *

"Sometimes I wonder what I was smoking when I first wrote these..." said BHB.

"I think we all wonder that," said Gandalf. "I'm glad I wasn't in this one."

"Don't get too comfortable. You're in the next one."

"Dammit."

"Hm...well I have nothing else to say or do. NEXT DRABBLE!"

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING

Frodo and Gollum were conversing on a rock.

"So, let me get this straight..." started Frodo. "If I give you the ring, you'll get rid of it for me, and you give me this...golden fish you speak of?"

"Yes yes, master! Yes!" said Gollum, nodding his head.

"And it's safe to assume that you mean a solid gold statue of a fish, studded with priceless jems and other assorted shiny things?"

"Er...Yeah, sure."

"...You drive a hard bargain, Gollum. But...I guess I could sell the fish and make millions."

"Er...Yeah. Sure. We'll go with that."

"The ring is yours!" said Frodo, giving the ring to Gollum, who then dropped a dead goldfish at Frodos feet and ran off.

"Hm." said Frodo thoughtfully. "I think I've just been ripped off."

"You idiot!" yelled Gandalf. "You gave it to Gollum! Do you honestly think he will get rid of it?"

"...Yeah. Everyone knows he's the true hero of Middle Earth. The ring would probably never have been destroyed in the book if Gollum hadn't gone all matrix on us and bit off my finger."

"You're an idiot! A complete and total--"

A very ghastly and awesome explosion coming from the general Mordor area cut him off.

"OH YEAH!" yelled Frodo. "Gollum: one. Gandalf: ZERO! BWAHAHAHA!"

"...I'm going to go sulk in the darkness now."

* * *

"And now for some short interviews with the guest stars!" yelled BHB, sitting on a chair across from Badger Lady Melesme. "So, Melesme, how are you?"

"Pretty good. We just wasted a crapload of vermin scum yesterday. It was great fun."

"Good for you. What do you think of Middle Earth?" asked BHB.

"It's nice...I should come here on vacation or something," said Melesme.

"Indeed. And now to interview Hedgewife Myrtle the Punisher!"

Melesme left and Myrtle sat down in her place.

"Hey Myrtle!"

"I'm mad at you!"

"What?"

"I'M the token Redwall character! I starred in Outcast of Redwall! How could you forget me?"

"Er...I'm sorry?"

"Yeah, well, sorry doesn't cut it!"

"Ok Myrtle, obviously you're very emotional right now, so...uh...Next interview!"

Myrtle was kicked out of the chair, and Possibly Steve took her place.

"Possibly Steve! How's life treatin' ya?"

"Pretty good, other then the fact that everyone hates me."

"So, Possibly Steve, tell us about yourself! We're all somewhat curious."

"Well, I grew up in Vermont, riding horses. But then I lost my kidney in the following Vermont-Connecticut War."

"Y'know what? You're boring. Leave now."

"But I-"

BHB pulled a Dragonov out of nowhere and pointed it at Possibly Steve menacingly. He slunk off without a complaint.

"And last but not least--" BHB was cut off as Leaviel glomped her.

"YAY! I'm next!" yelled Leaviel, all happy like.

"Er...I was actually going to interview the west wall of the room, but I guess you're more capable of answering my questions."

"YAY!" She sat down all happy like.

"So...how are you?"

"I'm just spiffy!"

"That's great. And how does that make you feel?"

"Uh...spiffy?"

"Now tell me about your childhood, which I hope is really tragic just cuz it'll be entertaining."

"Well...I once had several pet hamsters, but they were kidnapped by some maniac that looked suspiciously like Elijah Wood."

Everyone looked at Frodo, who slinked into a corner, blushing.

"And some time later, I went off to pick flowers...and I found their remains, and then-"

"OK, OK, SHOWS OVER," yelled Frodo, failing to hide the hysterics threatening to invade his voice. "NEXT DRABBLE!"

* * *

ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING

"Gandalf! We can do whatever we want to the ring now!" yelled Frodo, glomping Gandalf.

Gandalf clawed at his face and said, "No, we can't. Sauron sees all."

"Not anymore he doesn't."

Meanwhile in Mordor, Saurons eye had a giant blindfold on and he was screaming his curses at the world.

"Uh...ok then." said Gandalf. "What should we do?"

"Give it to Merry and Pippin!" yelled Frodo.

"YAY!" yelled Merry and Pippin triumphantly.

"Eh, ok-wait WHAT?! We can't do that! It's the ring! We can't trust these idiots with something like THE RING!" yelled Gandalf.

"That was a good movie."

"Yeah, it was- WAIT, no no no, we're not talking about THAT Ring! Yeesh, I swear I'm turning into you people or something!"

"Well, it's a good thing we gave the ring to Merry and Pippin, right Gandalf?" said Frodo cheerily. Merry and Pippin were nowhere in sight and they had apparently taken the ring with them.

"Gah! What-when...WHAT?! God, I hate you all!"

"I love you too, Gandalf."

* * *

"Well, that was short," said BHB, sitting in a leather armchair and petting a stuffed lobster.

"Yes, it was," agreed Leaviel, who was in a similar situation, only with a stuffed Kyo. Y'know...from Fruits Basket? That REALLY girly anime with that one girl whos SO FREAKING HAPPY you just want to shove her into a- ok, ok, I'll shut up now.

"And it looks like there's only one more to go..."

Frodo popped between the two armchairs and burst into tears. "I'm gonna miss you guys!"

"Um...that's great. Anyway, I guess I need to perform the apology before the final blow...Sorry for the incredibly long wait between chapters! I did my best, but I'm just so easily distracted by my social life (or lack thereof) and my grades and my composing! And then there was the lack of inspiration, and at this point I'm just kinda forcing out the final chapter so I can focus on Instant Music and hopefully not hit a HUGE snag of writers block and do the same thing I did to this and-"

"That's great, but we don't care," said everyone.

"Yeah BHB, we love you," added Frodo.

"..." said everyone else. Aragorn raised a hand awkwardly. "Um, actually-"

"SHUT UP, NEXT DRABBLE!" yelled Frodo, pointing dramatically at said drabble...like that's totally possible.

"You mean the last drabble?" said Merry and Pippin.

Frodo faltered for a moment, then swiftly burst into tears once more. "I'm gonna miss you guys SOOOO--"

"Get on with it!" yelled Gandalf. "Death Note is on in an hour, and I don't want to miss it!"

"Yeah! Wait, you watch Death Note?" asked Merry and Pippin.

"Yeah, L is totally hawt!"

"..." said everyone.

* * *

THE FINAL WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING

Pippin and Merry burst into Bag End, screaming, "Frodo, there are some evil rabid pretzels on the loose!"

"I don't care! There are more important things then the survival of the only home we've ever known!" yelled Frodo dramatically.

"Yeah, but they've been at Farmer Maggots crop! And we HEAR the pain of the produce, Frodo, we HEAR it! And it's really loud!"

"Hm. How loud?" asked Frodo, frowning in his cute hobbity way.

"REALLY loud!" yelled Merry.

"LOUD like a FOX!" yelled Pippen.

"Well, deal with it. I have something more important to do!" yelled Frodo in his self importance.

"Ooh. Like what?"

"I can't tell you, it's a surprise!"

Suddenly Gandalf popped in like magic! Only not, cuz that's what it actually was! "Hey Frodo, how're we going to kill evil today? I want to get this over with!"

"No, Gandalf, that has to wait! I'm trying to set something up!"

Suddenly Gollum staggered out of Frodos room, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "Hey Frodo, what the hell happened last night?!"

This random awkward statement became even more awkward when Treebeards voice was heard coming from Frodos room. "Gollum, honey, come baaaaaack...Hoom."

"Ugh, WHAT? What the hell is going on?!" yelled/asked Gandalf.

"I don't know anymore!" groaned Merry and Pippin in anguish.

"I know!" said Sam, popping up outside the window.

"Shut up, Sam!" yelled everyone.

And then Legolas fell through the ceiling. "Ow," muttered the bishie elf.

"Ok, ok, HOLD IT!" yelled Frodo. Everyone stopped what they were doing.

There was a pause as Frodo walked up to Gandalf and got down on one knee, holding up a ring-sized box.

"Gandalf, will you-"

"Not on your life."

"Oh, ok." Frodo got back up. "Ok, carry on."

"Frodo, did you just try to ask Gandalf to marry you?" asked Sam, bewildered (and probably crying on the inside).

"Yep!" said Frodo, grinning. "That was my plan, but I might have to come up with a new one now..."

"What? Plan for what?"

"For getting rid of the ring, silly!" Frodo quickly opened the box. "See I was using it and- wait."

There was no ring in the box.

"What? I swear, it was in there a minute ago!" Frodo babbled frantically.

"You LOST the ring?!" yelled everyone in the room.

"Um, it has to be somewhere around here!" Frodo began look around, knocking down furniture and making a wreak of the place.

"Oh my gawd, this is the most hopeless drabble I've ever been forced to take part in," muttered Legolas.

"And this is the last one, too!" wailed Frodo. "I lost the ring! What kind of idiotic plot twist is THAT?!"

"A really stupid one," muttered Merry and Pippin.

"I'll be honest though," started Gandalf. "At least we accomplished this pretty easily."

"This can't be happening. This CAN'T be HAPPENING!" wailed Frodo. "I failed as the ringbearer! I was supposed to get rid of it, not just LOSE it!"

"It's ok, Frodo, we still love you!" said Sam.

"Shut up, Sam!" yelled everyone.

"So what, is it over?" said Merry and Pippin, sitting around and ignoring the chaotic search for the ring.

"Um...I guess..." muttered Gollum. "Unless anyone has anything else to say?"

"...no, not really, go ahead." said everyone, except Frodo who was still frantically searching.

"Oh. ok."

* * *

Everyone at the early-after party stood there, dumbstruck.

Except BHB. "Well, you know, these things happen sometimes..."

"You ruined me!" wailed Frodo.

"You put me through fifty different shades of HELL!" growled Gandalf.

"You've cut various parts of my body open on several occasions!" yelled Legolas.

"You portrayed me as some sort of flaming homosexual that abuses animals!" cried Sam. "Not that there's anything wrong with the homosexual part..."

"You kept all the reviewers waiting for months on end, only to finish the fic with the crappiest twist in history." remarked Leviel from the back of the room.

"We're going to KILL you!" yelled everyone.

"Um...uh...Look behind you! A three-headed-monkey!" BHB yelled, then sprinted away as fast as her out-of-shape legs could take her.

And thus, our story ends with the cast of Lord of the Rings chasing a poor lazy author.

It's incredibly fitting, ne?


End file.
